29.4.22

hey so i know i say this all the time but im sorry for not updating at all in so long but i wanted to at least come on here bc this silly little site is one whole year old!! which is pretty cool to be honest, thanks to everyone who has some to my site!! im so glad i came to neocities, even though i dont update all the time i atill come here everyday to check what ppl r up to and i mean you see me all the time microblogging on the tl lol. i always find so many cool websites and theyre so inspiring, this is how the web should be. bc i go back to twitter and just UGGGHHH its so unoriginal and the vibe is just so dead. i want to do so much more to this site!!

bc overall life has not been so good ive been in a really bad place if in honest. ive slipped into some of my old bad habits and all these bad -twts to comfort my brain from the stress of school and the way i just feel so depressed and hopeless. i know theyre bad coping mechanisms which is why i want to get back into this site a bit more bc i can hyperfixate on this. im kind of scared of myself rn. my marks havent improved and it makes me feel like shit bc im letting my parents and teachers and everyone down and then bc i feel like shit i dont want to revise and its a whole cycle. i think i might actually fail all my exams. my parents think theyre helping by saying stuff like "go for a walk take these vitamins" and im worried theyre actually catching on bc i feel like they know ive been throwing away my packed lunches and lying about having early computing classes so i can skip breakfast but they dont realise getting on my case so much just makes it worse. my mums been trying to buy me stuff she knows i like as well like plushies from my wishlist but even that isnt making me feel much better idk. the other day i tried to talk to my parents about trans issues just to see what their reactions would be for when if i ever come out and MAN.............. my mum was just kind of confused and i feel like if i talked to her enough she would understand but my dad was just saying all this transphobic stuff like damn i didn't know you were a fucking toryASS transphobe. i don't feel safe here anymore i just want them to accept me but i feel like i cant ever tell them about all this stuff. ive locked myself in my room for now i wish i could just be locked in here forever!! the only thing that maks me feel better is coming online i wish i could just crawl inside of discord and neocities and twitter and live there forever. i feel numb rn.

sorry for being so negative but i just needed ot get it off my chest