27.8.22

i just wanted to say thanks for the concern, everyone, my twitter moots too. ill be okay really, i just need time and for things to work out. this is just where i come to vent sometimes when things are dark.

i dont think i will be able to talk about it here because itll damage my chances of it working out, but i am starting to work on a project that will relieve me of my pain. this world just isnt built for someone like me i cant live in it anymore, i cant deal with all the people and how it makes me feel. but if all goes to plan, it will make things better for me, i will be free and happier. and ALIVE /gen

26.8.22

i fucking cant do this anymore guys. im so upset with myself that things have got this bad ive done it again. i really really cannot stand this body anymore or this life. i hate the fact people look at me and see me at all. i wish i could cut off all these undesirable arts of my body, cut off the boobs and hips and stomach and thighs and just be unnoticable. im sorry for being so graphic but this is really all i can see in my mind all day and i need to do it. i can see people looking and they are judgina dn execting so much when im just trying to exist everythign in life feels like its gone downhill all i do is dissociate i dont want to have to go back to school in a whole new place where i dont even know anyone and theyre al going to assume all this shit about me and see me as a stupid girli just want to disappear the ionly thing that distracts my mind is coding new pages for this site and playing ac. i didnt get to write about that lately, i made a new island because its my comfort game and i spent aaaalll yesterday playing. im gonna carry on and update my game log to distract myself

25.8.22

so today i got my exam results.

basically i didnt get the grades i needed to carry on at my school. i have to go to a different sixth form that will take the grades i have but they dont have a computing course so what is the point really. we went clothes shopping afterwards because my sixth form is non uniform and i hate all my clothes they make me feel dysphirc. i managed to get some nice baggy hoodies and tops by using the excuse about it being cold and walking around the school will make me hot but REALLY i just want to wear them all the time. this way i pass better, this way i just become invisible

we went to yo sushi after though, i let myself just eat whatever cos i knew i would be stressed out so i ate sooo much and now im SUPPEEER full probably for like 3 days but i regret it bc of the bloat....eyueyegfrdfhgdgd i dont want to get back into b/p cycles but today has been reaaaaaaaally stressful and i keep getting da urge....fuck. ive just been crying basically all day for messing up so bad. im such an idiot i hate myself for ruining my future like this

10.8.22

hey everyone i'm back from the holiday. i'm so glad to be back so i can work on this site again, thinking about it was the only thing getting me through.

when i was on this holiday, my mum hid my phone from me for a couple days. i think it was her way of getting me to ""experience the real world"" btu it just made me realise that actually, i dont belong in the real world at all.

everything felt fake. i looked at my hands and it was like i was looking at them on a screen, like they werent actually my hands at all. everything around me felt like that. it was so horrible like i was trying to navigate through a thick fog and it was excrutiating i just wanted to close my eyes to get rid of that sensation, i had to spend the last day hiding in the hotel because i was so overstimulated and having a meltdown. when i have a meltdown everything just makes me cry, i couldnt stop cryinh. i found my phone eventually and it felt like everything went back to normal, the fog was lifted.

looking at myself in the mirror was the worst. im so flabby in all the wrong places ugly and disgusting and i will never ever pass. i just want to disappear and not have a body. everytime i look at it and i just want to take scissors and hack at all the parts that make me feel like shit.

and all the food. i tried to restrict a bit more so it would balance out the amount of crap i cant keep track of cos i have no choice but ot eat in front of my parents i feel so piggy and gross. its all gone everywhere on my body and i think i look worse than ever. it all just goes straight to my thighs and chest and hips, like the last 3 places i need it to go. at least when im back at school its easier to skip food so hopefully i should lose all of it when i go back