16.7.22

soooo i went to prom...

it was horrible. like it was a really, really bad day!!! my dad made a comment about my legs and i just came out and said i wish i didnt have to wear a dress and my mums like "well we couldve got you a suit if yuo wanted!!" yeah right i already know she woulve complained about me not wearing a dress i just know what they expect of me. i wouldnt actually mind wearing a dress if it wasnt for my body and how ppl see me. it was so hot i couldnt wear a cardigan or something to cover up my chest, my arms looked so gross and the dress made my hips look huge i just looked disgusting.i wish i could cut it all off and be flat everywhere, that way no one would LOOK AT ME i wouldnt feel so vile. i could tell everyone thought i was ugly i was the first person to leave after all the speeches and awards and stuff because they started serving all this food and i just couldnt handle it i felt like oscar couldnt even look at me cos they came in a suit

my mum is stressing me out so much about packing as well like getting on my case so much fuck off mum i dont want to go on this holiday i hate summer enough as it is and now we have to go to such a hot country and my mum keeps trying to get me to buy a bikini or something whenever we go out and thr thought of it just makes me want to cry. i walk ast th mens and i think about how nice it would be to just wear one of the big shirts that would cover my chest, and the men's shorts to cover my hips and thighs. one day ill be able to do that and even take off the shirt and just be able to have a good time at the beach without anyone looking at me

8.7.22

im FREEEEEEEEEEE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY FUCKING LIFE

WOOOW that was awful!!! i know they were trying to be nice by giving me chocolate as a thank you but hahaahah i just threw it straight in the BIN i have to write a review for it for school so i think i will write "wow this inspires me to never ever work and find a way out of living as an adult forever because i really cannot deal with sitting around doing NOTHING all day and working with transphobic bitches, who are only capable of making cups of tea". i wore my he/they badge on my bag today and i saw one of the ladies looking at it and she just continues to say she around me which is just so GREAT!!! i had really bad brain fog in general today which i was embracing bc i felt delirious and time was going faster but after that happened that just made it worse. well its over now. im just hoping my gcse results come back so i never have to work in a place like that ever

in other news, i binged all of serial experiments lain today.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!!

SHE just like me fr......im really tried its lioke 4am but holy fuuuuuuuk it got me thinking about the online afterlife, its been in the news a lot lately, i see it on twitter and the people at work exp were talking about it. generally they seem to disapprove because then you dont have 'the pleasures of human life' and its "not natural". but for someone like me, doesnt even enjoy those things and struggles being in the real world cos the real world isnt built for ppl like me, i think its the only instance where i would BE ABLE to enjoy humanthings like socialising....i wish i could actually become a part of the internetNOW LISTEN OK LISTEN 2 ME,,,,. like you wouldnt miss out because you can still message people and if someones a jackass u can just block them lol and i lichertally cannot see a downside, no illnesses no WORK no worrying about how u look bc u can basically choose like in a videogame. SO ANYWAY MY POINT IS like i never felt like im a part of this world, if eel like my actual purpose for existing is true when im online. if i want to be percieved then i can if i dont then no one will, and when i DO want to be percieved it can be however i want. because im sick of being treated certain way just because oeople see me and think' girl',the fact so much of this life is put on hwo you look and gender and all this DUMB ASSSS SHIT WOULD ALL BE ERASED like online dolly sona real or if i wanna be lain tht day or if i just wanmt to be a fuckin whatever like if everyone was online not attached to this stupid rules we have irl

6.7.22

its my birthday!! they actually let me go home early from the work experience thank FUCK T__T they got me a cupcake which was nice tbh but i just threw it away with my lunch lol and walked around instead. we have prom next week and i really dont want to add to how im not going to pass at all bc i have to wear a fucking dress. i dont mind wearing skirts and stuff but its different when i cosplay bc im not being me im being a character but i dont want anyone to actually perceive ME in a dress and my mum has said she wants me to eat really well this week so i look good in it which just grossed me out im dreading it so so much tryna figure out how i can get out of it or something. maybe if i dont eat enough ill pass out and theyll make me stay home HMMMM??????

anyway mum did get me what i asked for which was an ac bag with my favs on it!! its so cute and i got a card and some other stuff. oscar came round for a bit too. i feel so bad because we have to hide names and pronouns around my dad but we played splatoon and i wooooon hehehhe

i just have to remember ive only got two days left of the work exp!! i can do it !!

5.7.22

so im on the 2nd day of this work experience and its been so horrible so far hhahaha i caaant do another 3 days of this shit its such a waste of time and i have to SPEND MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY HEEEEREEEEEEEAAAAA!!!!!!! its so boring and overstimulating and these adults arent respecting my neurodivergency at all,,i havent told them directly but i said i have too mucb anxiety to answer the phone and they still made me do it and i just couldnt say anything and i felt so humiliated and i had a meltdown after and just sat in the canteen for the rest of the shift. i really really dont want to go back tomorrow dad is making me go just leave me aloneee leave me alone leave me alone

its a shame i didnt get hit by a car today!! ha ha!!! /hj /u